The few benefits of solitude

In the absence of my girlfriend I exhibit many behaviors of a grosser, more caveman-like, and probably single man.

1. I eat less vegetables and I eat more often with just my fingers.
2. When I eat messily, instead of a napkin I use my shirt. I continue to wear the shirt throughout the day.
3. I extend the "three second rule" into new frontiers of the kitchen floor.
4. I don't change the sheets on the bed.
5. I leave my beard trimmings all over the bathroom counter, even more so than usual.
6. I sit around in my underwear and robe (OK, this one is not new).
7. I can drink a six-pack in one evening without sharing or feeling guilty. 
8. I shower less frequently.

The only benefit to her being gone is that I get much more sleep. But if she doesn't come back soon, I am likely to die in a pile of my own drunken filth.